THE CLARKSON REVIEW: 2017 ALFA ROMEO STELVIO
An SUV poster boy at last. Yes, it’s Italian
终于有台能登海报的SUV了。是的，这是个亚平宁帅哥
I HAVE driven the latest Audi Q5 and can think of absolutely nothing interesting to say about it. It’s a well-made box that costs some money and produces some emissions and, frankly, I’d rather use Uber.
我近期试驾了新奥迪Q5，对此我毫无佳言以对。这就是个精工细作，排放污染，磨损钱财的盒子，说实话，还不如嘀嘀打车
No, really. Who’s going to wake up in the morning, sweating like a dyslexic in a spelling test, because their new Q5 is arriving that day? What child is going to stick a poster of a car such as this on its bedroom wall? Who’s going to think how hard they’ll have to work to pay for the damn thing and reckon it’s worth the sweat? No one is. You buy a car like this in the way you buy washing-up liquid. And who wants to read 1,200 words about a mildly updated bottle of Fairy Liquid?
真的，谁会大早上醒来，像拼写测试里的阅读障碍者一样汗流浃背，只是因为他们的新Q5送到了？哪个孩童会贴上这种车的海报？谁会挥汗如雨地工作只为能让买车的钱值价？没有傻子这样，买这车就和买洗涤灵一样，谁会认全“小仙女液”背后的1200字说明呢？
What I can tell you before I move on is that I hated its engine. Volkswagen’s post-Dieselgate 2-litre turbo is possibly the most boring power unit fitted to any car at any time. It’s about as exciting as the motor in your washing machine. By which I mean, you only really notice it if it goes wrong. Which you hope it will in the Audi, because then you can call an Uber. At least that’ll smell interesting. And come with some unusual opinions.
事先声明，我恨死这引擎了。大众排放门后的2.0T可能是有史以来最无聊的引擎了。就和洗衣机的马达差不多带劲儿。也就是说，只有坏了才能发现有台引擎。这正是你对奥迪的期盼，起码你就能打滴滴了。至少有蜜汁芳香和司机古灵精怪的观点
I’ll be honest with you. I loathe all the current crop of so-called SUVs, except those I dislike intensely. I cannot see the point of driving around in a car that’s slower, more expensive and thirstier than a normal saloon or estate. It just seems idiotic.
实话实说，我痛恨当下这批“所谓”的“SUV”，除了重度厌恶的那批。我不懂开着一台，更慢，更贵，更饥渴的车有啥用。纯粹脑残
But then I had to make a brief trip to Tuscany recently, and once I’d negotiated a path through Alan Yentob and Polly Toynbee and Melvyn Bragg and emerged into Pisa airport’s car park, I found a man offering me the keys to Alfa Romeo’s new Stelvio.
然而近期我又不得不小憩于Tuscany（意大利），一旦和Alan Yentob（BBC艺术鉴赏节目主持人）Polly Toynbee（卫报专栏作家）Melvyn Bragg（高雅艺术鉴赏节目主持人）一同抵达Pisa机场的停车场时，我找到了给我Stelvio车钥匙的人
Named after a remote Alpine pass in northern Italy, this is a direct rival of the Q5 and all the other mid-range jacked-up estates whose names I can’t be bothered to remember. In short, it’s a Giulia saloon on stilts, and I was determined to hate every bit of it.
以意大利北部阿尔卑斯羊肠小道命名，这是硬肛当下各种记不住名的嗑大力旅行车的新选择。简而言之，踩高跷的Giulia，我已经准备好对此恨之入骨
The man was very keen to have his photograph taken with me and to say how much he enjoyed a programme called Top Gear, but I wasn’t listening. I was thinking: “What in the name of all that’s holy was Alfa Romeo thinking of?”
他兴致勃勃的和我拍照，告诉我他超级爱一个据称Top Gear的节目，而我对此无暇顾及。我在想“阿尔法罗密欧到底在想什么？脑子进水了？”
If you have a heritage as glamorous and as achingly cool as Alfa’s, why would you want to make a bloody school-run car? That is like Armani deciding to make carrier bags.
如果你有一段和阿尔法罗密欧一样迷人又痛并快乐着的历史，为什么你想要一台在城区上下学接送孩子的阿尔法罗密欧？就和阿玛尼出购物袋一样毫无意义
Alfa’s engineers are at pains to explain that, while it may look like an SUV, it doesn’t feel like one to drive. They say all the power from the engine is sent to the rear wheels, but then, if traction is lost, up to half the power is sent instantly to the front. They also speak about carbon-fibre prop shafts and much lightweight aluminium in the body, and I stood there thinking: “Yes, but it’s still a bloody carrier bag.”
阿尔法罗密欧的工程师解释起来很痛苦，虽然看起来是SUV，但开起来非也。他们说引擎动力全部送抵后轮，然而丧失牵引力时，最多一半的动力会转到前方。他们还说到碳纤维传动轴和铝合金轻量化车身这种玩意儿，我呆若木鸡“对，但这TM还是个破购物袋”
I had much the same sense of teeth-gnashing rage when I first encountered Maserati’s Levante, and that turned out to be just as bad as I’d feared. But as the man brought over more friends for more selfies, I started to gaze more carefully at the Stelvio, and there was no getting round the fact that, actually, it’s quite good-looking.
我能感受到Levante问世时的咬牙切齿，而这车和我预料的一样垃圾（Levante大猩猩只给了2星）但当那家伙拉人来合影的间隙，我开始仔细打量Stelvio，不可否认的就是，这车其实很好看
Eventually, after I’d posed with all the police force, everyone in border security and 3,000 taxi drivers, all of whom loved Top Gear, it was time to step into the Stelvio, and there was also no getting round the fact it was a nice place to sit. Way, way nicer than the Audi.
最终，在和哪些热爱Top Gear的当地警方，边防站以及3000的哥师傅完成合影后，我坐进Stelvio，不可否认这车坐起来很舒服。比灯厂舒服多了
There’s some genuine sculpture in there. You get the impression in a Q5 that the dash was built with all the care of a kitchen worktop. It’s just a housing for the dials and the switches. Alfa has made its one something worth looking at. I suppose it’s an Italian thing. It’s why Siena is a better place to sit and people-watch than Dortmund.
车内还是很阿尔法罗密欧的。印象中奥迪Q5里都是宜家级别的内饰。只是仪表和开关的堆砌。阿尔法罗密欧的内饰则引人驻足。我猜应该是意大利货色。这就是为啥锡耶纳比多特蒙德更适合猎艳
Setting the sat nav, however, was a challenge. This is because every town in Italy has 5,000 letters in its name, and then, when you finally manage to type it in, the sat nav asks which Santa Lucia del Menolata di Christoponte you would like to set as the destination. And it turns out there are 5,000 towns with that name.
然而，校准导航则很麻烦。因为每个意大利城镇都有5000个字母的名字，然后，当你终于输入正确后，导航问你要去哪里个锡耶纳 露西亚 德 梅龙拉塔 迪 克里斯托芬特。显然，又有5000个同名同姓城市
Eventually, though, as Alan and Melvyn and Polly were returning to the airport from their week of brainstorming, I had the right town and fired up the engine. The diesel engine. Oh, dear Lord. A diesel Alfa Romeo SUV.
最终，就在三位同行者回机场准备头脑风暴时，我找到了一个合适的镇子，点火。柴油机？？？上帝呀，柴油阿尔法罗密欧SUV……..
The funny thing is, though, that because everyone in Italy has a diesel-powered car, it didn’t feel all that weird to be clattering out of the car park. And then it felt fine, because soon I was on the racetrack known as an autostrada, where it felt very powerful. The figures say it’ll go from 0 to 62mph in 6.6 seconds, which is good, but it’s the mid-range surge that impresses most of all. It’s a surge you just don’t get from Audi’s Q5. And it means you can always break free from the walnut-faced peasant who has affixed his aged Fiat Ritmo to your back bumper at 100mph.
好笑的是，因为意大利人手一台柴油车，闷闷作响地出库不算尴尬。然后就没啥问题了，因为我很快来到一处叫Autostrada（赛道）的地方，这里该车能火力全开。数据显示百公里加速6.6秒，这很赞，但中端扭矩的爆发才是最打动我的。奥迪Q5这种渣渣对此无能为力。也就是说你总能摆脱身后面无表情的破农民的Fiat Ritmo以100MPH后入的时刻
And it’s not as if you’re leaving a trail of death in your wake because, despite the power and the torque, this engine is considerably cleaner than the diesel Porsche puts in its Macan. And Alfa says it’ll do almost 60mpg.
而且即使火力全开也不会走上地狱之路，因为尽管有此等神力，引擎比Macan的柴油机还要干净，而且官方油耗60MPG
So it’s as fast as the badge would suggest, but does it handle as well as Alfa promises? Well, obviously, as it’s more than 7in higher than the saloon and has longer springs, it’s squidgier, which would be fine if Alfa hadn’t given it the same superfast steering setup.
那么，阿尔法罗密欧这个牌子速度是有保证的，那么操控呢？额，显然，这车有更长的弹簧以及7英寸的高度提升，显然比轿车要软很多，如果没有哪种超快的转向还是可以接受的。
The tiniest movement of the wheel causes a big change of direction, which is great when you are on a track in a low-riding “car”, but when you are on the autostrada, on stilts, with a Ritmo up your chuff and a lorry up front that has suddenly decided to wander into your lane because the driver is watching pornography on his phone rather than the road ahead, it can be a bit alarming.
方向盘小小打动就能大幅度转向，这在低矮的赛道“轿车”上很好，但SUV上高速，听着自己的BGM，而前方的大货车司机还在边撸边开车地变道，这就有点吓人了
It takes time to learn to think your way round corners, but when you get there, I must say this is a genuinely exciting car to drive. It doesn’t feel as cumbersome as all the other SUVs, and you get the impression it was engineered by people who were involved because they wanted to be. Not because they’d done something wrong.
要花点时间学习正确的过弯方法，但掌握了过弯，这车实乃刺激之车。不像其他SUV一样笨重，然后你能感觉到这车是心血来潮之作，而非瞎拼乱凑之作
And because of that — because it’s a big, practical car with a huge boot and folding seats and lots of cubbyholes that’s also an Alfa Romeo — it’s the only SUV that’s quite tempting. It may even be irresistible when Alfa launches the version with the 500-horsepower petrol engine.
正因如此——因为这是台无比实用的阿尔法罗密欧——这也是唯一一台诱人的SUV。500HP的四叶草版本登场后会更让人难以拒绝
总评4星
I loathe SUVs but this one
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